I sit here shit scared. Completely rattled and struggling to contain the heaviness of my thumping heart.
The last few weeks have been a journey of undeniable awakening. Witnessing, experiencing, being 'in the thick of’ the manifesting of everything that has been dancing in my subconscious. For so long, I’ve questioned everything when it comes to what I gift to the world and how I do so. I’ve relentlessly pushed myself to keep challenging the norm, fuck the way I 'should' do something, and take the huge fucking leap into the abyss. Which is probably what enticed me into my own pursuit of challenging my dominant, independent persona and as a result exploring the soft, feminine, fragile woman that sits inside of me. This exploration went against everything I had ever believed and experienced..
As a fragile teen who devoted so much energy into fighting an experience completely out of her control, who sought independence to free herself from pain and vulnerability; embracing a life of organic, feminine flow was never a priority of mine. I grew up watching my fiercely independent mother take charge of her own life after divorce, exploring her own desires, and unleashing her own femininity. I was too young to 'get it' and it scared the fuck out of me. I held on to story after story on what expressing our femininity can mean, and I charged forward head strong determined to control my destiny with a grip tight enough to suffocate. Don’t get me wrong - it is this resilience, independence and fierceness that I love about myself and has got me to where I am today - but not without a deep shadow of stress, anxiety and frustration.
My determination to make this world by bitch and lead others through fierce empowerment and a daring existence, allowed me to fully experience what that actually meant to me. What 'being daring' and 'living life on my own terms' actually meant to me. And back at me glared this unmissable reflection of everything I had run away from since my teenage years..
The desire for surrender, when all I had ever done was fought my way through.
The desire to trust, when all I had ever done was analysed, manipulated and controlled.
The desire to be soft, sensual, sexual and held, when all along I claimed to be all that I’d ever needed.
If I truly wanted to live a daring life whereby I carved my own path, lived wholeheartedly and danced in the freedom of who I was and everything I had ever wanted - I needed to loosen my grip. I needed to unlock the cage that I had been keeping my feminine self in all these years and I needed to walk my talk and get fucking uncomfortable.
I needed to unlock the other half of me.
The free-flowing, vulnerable and intuitive woman who loves to dance alongside my independence and closet ‘over-planner’.
The wild and free-spirited woman who loves to mingle with my 'go-get'em girl boss'.
And so I took the leap.
Faced with the reality that my fear of femininity could potentially ruin my relationship, my career and my whole life, I CHOSE to take the leap.
I chose to devote to the exploration of who I was underneath the thick layers of masculinity, and I chose to reveal my inner feminine one layer at a time. Raw, real, uncomfortable and incredibly vulnerable. A process that to this day I am still unfolding, and will continue to unfold throughout my entire life. Learning to nourish and nurture my feminine energy like I would my physical body or mental health. Learning to weave my feminine self into parts of my life that until then had always felt like I was between a rock and a hard place. And learning to embrace my whole self in it's entirety - not ever changing who I was, but simply amplifying the parts of me that had been patiently waiting in the shadows for 20 years, dying to make their debut performance.
And the journey itself has been nothing less than… FREEING. Complete and utter freedom.
A journey of freedom that will never end, nor do I ever want it to end. Finally I know what it feels like to feel whole, expressed, loved, alive and FREE. And its a journey that I just have to share, because every woman deserves to feel this way.
And with that… an online workshop began to be birthed. A platform for me to get intimate and personal with women who mirror my craving and desire to be set free from her own control, boundaries and rules, and unleashed into the life of freedom she so desires. An online workshop for the women who want to rock their world being both fierce and feminine, on their quest to freedom.
Fiercely feminine and free.
As you can probably tell, this is a deeply personal journey for me, as I'm sure it is for you too. I will also be sharing my story and journey on a much deeper level through the workshop, which in itself feels simultaneously vulnerable and freeing. But what has made it even more personal and real for me is that I’ve even devoted to creating this project in the most feminine and organic way possible, which is so far from my usual habits and approach. Where my inner control freak and over-planning boss lady wants to take to this workshop with timelines, rules and hard-core structure, I’m allowing it all to be birthed from a place of complete surrender and intuition. Less push, more gentleness. Less worry, more trust. And I have never felt so liberated in my life! The universe is gifting me sign after sign that I am walking in the right direction, so perfectly handing me the very opportunities I need to get this message out there and fully feel into the feminine energy I need to share it all from the heart. And it’s so insanely scary and amazing at the same time. As I plunge into sharing this message and I teach the tools that have shaped my journey, I am continuing to stretch myself and explore more of myself than ever before. I’m diving deeper and deeper everyday into a part of me that is dancing in delight over things she has never been ‘allowed to do’.. Create a workshop based on my own blue-print, ask for help and in turn be supported (once again - "I don't have to do it all alone"), buy tickets to do yoga with other women in the nude (how's that for a stretch out of my comfort zone!), for example!!
Sure, there’s still that other part of me that I love that is shaking in her boots right now thinking I’m fucking insane and wants to just dive into anything ‘logical’ and ‘rational’ (the masculine energy that lives within all of us) - but I know, as do you, that whilst there is such incredible power and purpose in that, it’s simply not where the magic happens.
The magic of life truly happens when we let go.
When we say yes to the crazy, irrational things that make us question our sanity. When we trust someone with our whole heart and show them our weaknesses. When we take the leap into the scary unknown because our heart tells us to. When we stop trying to control everything, and finally give ourselves permission to enjoy the ride.
This online workshop is about reconnecting with who we are, whilst being supported in an incredible community. A community of fierce women who want to feel freedom. Real women who have some masks they need to shed. Real women who may not even know how to interact with other women in this way (don't worry, you will be well taken care of!). Real women who know deep in their heart that they need to reconnect with their inner - woman.
If this is tugging at your heart strings and your curiosity is begging you to explore this, then join this list to express your curiosity, as I’ll be launching it to this list first alongside any special early bird offers. As this workshop continues to unfold, I hope you’ll join in on exploration of all things feminine and free here on the blog, as well as on social media. For those who are part of my Well Fed community, thank you for always giving me the opportunity to share it all with you first in my weekly emails, I have so appreciated keeping you update on the process thus far.
Before I sign off, I’d love to close this post with a question to you that really ignites my own curiosity. Do you resonate with my story? Are you a fierce, strong, independent woman who too struggles with ‘going with the flow’, trusting in the universe and embodying the sensual, free and feminine woman that you are? If so, I would love to hear from you. Pop me a comment below or feel free to email me at tara(at)feedmeblog.com.
Until next time beauties,