When it comes to living a life of adventure, spontaneity and freedom, I used to feel like a walking contradiction. Whilst these states of being stirred deep desire within me, I had a distorted belief that in order to live a life based on these values, I needed to make some changes to who I was. I had created a distorted perception of who a daring, adventurous, wild and free spirited woman was, what she did, who she associated with, how she made decisions and what was important to her. Undoubtedly initiated and shaped by society and the ‘highlights reel’ of social media, this perception was not only going to prevent me from ever fulfilling these desires in the first place, but it would actually make for a few years of self-doubt, frustration and a lot of confusion as I just couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel comfortable embodying many of the traits of this ‘wild and adventurous’ persona.
Despite my intuition regularly sending me gentle reminders to pay attention to the parts of me that needed attention or care in order help me thrive and live the way I wanted to – such as having some form of routine, meaningful rituals, being organised in relation to my food and health, and spending quality time alone – I spent years and years fighting it because I was convinced that in order to be the free spirited soul I envisioned, I should be able to deal with whatever was going on around me completely un-phased (seriously, what was I thinking – I’m still human!), I could stay out all night and back it up the next day, I could couch-surf my way around South America, I could skip breakfast if everyone else was, and I could travel wherever, whenever and with whoever, and feel totally content and high on wanderlust all the god-damn time. All of the above – so not me!
Safe to say, I had this whole ‘superwoman’ persona crafted up in my mind that everyone loved and who could adapt to anything and everything. She was free of the things that make us human – emotions and inhibition. Yet she was stuck, suffocated and trapped in an ideology that was further away from freedom and adventure than she ever thought possible.
Simply because she wasn’t ready to truly understand what it meant to be free. She wasn’t ready to be seen, to be real, to be 100% her. She desired to be free from everything she perceived negative in this life. Only to realise that with the absence of pain comes the absence of joy. She feared judgement and disconnection. And so vowed to force herself to get along with everyone. She feared getting to know who she really was, in case she didn’t like who she met. She simply wasn’t ready to see the beauty in her own self.
And only when she truly came to love herself with as much value and worth as she had put on feeling free, adventurous and wild-hearted, did she find these feelings for the first time.
Today I feel completely free – to be me.
Today I feel adventurous and daring – in ways that I know serve my growth and make my life experience richer.
Today I welcome in spontaneity – without forgetting who I am altogether.
Today I feel wild and open to life – as the best version of myself.
And I do so, because of all those things that I used to hide away from. I have a routine that helps me thrive. I practise rituals to help ground me, connect me and inspire me. I spend a lot of time alone, in reflection and in meditation. And the way I feed my body with nourishing food is always my top priority over anything else.
Because when I don’t eat the way I know my body loves – I feel like shit.
Because when I have no routine and keep my self in a constant state of limbo – I feel like shit.
Because when I don’t practise rituals that feed me from the inside out – I feel like shit.
And because when I don’t get to spend time alone on the mat or meditation cushion, or simply tucked away into my journal – I feel like shit.
And feeling like shit, is the exact opposite to how I want to feel.
So whether you resonate with this story or not, ask yourself: Do you know what it means to you, to be living your core desired feelings?
Are you trying to embody a lifestyle or persona that symbolises how you want to feel, at the same time as neglecting not only what helps you thrive but essentially what makes you you?
In your efforts to embody freedom, adventure and spontaneity, are you doing things that don’t feel like ‘you’?
Are you rocking some hippy pants that make you feel like a slob, as opposed to a free-spirit?
Are you going to bed each night at 8:30pm in an effort to be an example of health and vitality, only to have lost the bright, vibrant spark you once embodied (and thrived off) as you danced the night away at your local dance studio?
Are you backpacking around the world to feel free, only to find yourself suffocated by your 10bed dorm room?
Whatever it is for you, remember – you are chasing a feeling. Not the labels, identities and stories you (or others) necessarily identify with that feeling.
Decide to feel the way you want to feel. In your own way.
You make the rules kiddo, make them work for you, not against you! If it’s depleting you, then love yourself enough to delete it from your life. We always have the power to detatch from our stories and the persona/masks we choose to put on through life. I personally prefer to just be me. It’s a hell of a lot easier that way. And a hell of a lot more free!