I had a good old laugh at myself last night. Well, at my old self really.
My old facebook statuses to be specific; as a partying, often heart-broken and depressed girl in her early twenties, totally blindfolded to all the magic that currently resides in her life.
And as I scrolled through - not in a bad, judgemental way – but with a wave of gratitude, empathy and nostalgia, I looked over my old thoughts and one-liners with a big smile on my face.
“Can’t wait to escape for 2 days..”
“Feeling like shit…but oh so worth it!”
“Worst day ever..at work after only 2 hours of sleep, think I am still drunk”
“Loving these peanut M&Ms.. would prefer crispy though..”
“I want to fast forward to the good part”
“I want to fast forward to BDO in 24 hours, with a vodka redbull in hand”
Oh, that girl!! If only she knew about the clarity, miracles and passion that lay ahead of her, waiting to take her on a magic carpet ride through self-confidence, true love and endless possibilities!
As I look back on these years of my life, I recall some bloody good times, and memories of utter joy with the girls that now, and forever rock my world. But I’m also hit with flashbacks of many nights going home feeling empty.. Being surrounded by people but feeling utterly lonely.. Drowning my sorrows in equal parts vodka and chocolate sauce.. And all with an incredibly bitter attitude towards a higher power that had dealt me a shitty hand that was now my life. Everything that brought me happiness was external, material and out of my own control. Every thought in my head was determined by others’ perceptions, beliefs and criticism. Every day was another confused, stressful battle to fit in, find an escape and ‘find myself’.
And whilst I look back at these years feeling utterly grateful for the personal growth and monumental shifts in direction that my life has taken, I am also incredibly grateful for those years being exactly the way they were. Because without them, I wouldn’t have the perceptions, lessons and lease on life that I thrive on at this present moment.
We all have a story. We have all come from something. And whilst it is important not to dwell on our story and let it control our future, it’s also important to remind ourselves that that young and confused soul is still a part of who we are and can teach us so much. To look back at my old self with judgement and regret would be to direct such negativity on my present self. The same girl that would time her cab ride home in between spew sessions, and run back to the relationship that fuelled her self hate and lack of self worth. For we are the same girl, at different parts of the story. The same character at different chapters of the book. The same woman who recognizes the importance of self love, regardless of what stage in life she is at.
So the next time you look back on where you have come from, embrace your old self with all her bad habits, naivety and poor choices. For she is you, and you are enough. You are more than enough; you are amazing. And with her help, you will forever be striving to be the best version of yourself. And when it comes down to it, that’s all we can ever be.
Be kind to yourself today lovely, you deserve it!