Sometimes (OK, often) I run and hide from new opportunities for connection with new people. Not just emotionally, but physically - I actually run and hide from people, like a little girl.
A new neighbour will move in and I will intentionally hold back from walking out my front door so I can avoid the awkward first conversation in the hallway.
I'll spot someone in the street that I just recently met and I will walk faster to get where I'm going.
I think I even once hid from my now partner of 5 years, having seen him walking home from a day on the slopes after meeting him for the first time a few nights before, because I was scared shitless of what it all meant and what on earth I'd say without my "bar banter" and charm.
And even now with a solid 5 years of soul searching, crazy personal growth and devotion to a fierce relationship with the truth of who I am, I still catch my introverted and awkward self running. Hiding. Retreating into my humanness when it all feels too much, and when I just want to crawl into my own little burrow without another human in sight.
But then a moment rolls on by that feels like a blow to the guts because I'm reminded of what I love most about this big old world of ours.. Connection. Humanity. Eye to eye, belly to belly, golden fireworks of love that only another human being can provide. I'd then feel a deep sense of shame from hiding from the very thing that I crave the most, and to be honest sometimes I still do. It sucks to know you're both your greatest ally and biggest weakness, and it hurts sometimes.
And whilst I might never really leave my disappearing act behind (we all have our 'thing', you know), how I choose to wear it and own it is something I'll never undervalue again. Because, Yes, I'm a human being that still resists everything she truly desires, and yes, I'm a human being that often acts irrationally when her upper limits are pushed.. But show me someone who isn't? Real, raw, transparent and forever human. That's all I will ever aim to be.
So from one growth loving human to another, remember;
Growth may be your drug, but don't ever let it drown out your humility. Own each step forward as an achievement you can be proud of, but see each step back with a sense of humour you wear with pride.
Your awkward fuck ups and your perceived failures are as fierce as your most fulfilling feat. Embrace them, celebrate them and get down and dirty with what makes your human heart unreplicable. Go on, I dare you!