I spent last weekend embarking on a personal experiment. Hot on the heels of launching my group coaching program, She is Fierce, focused on specifically helping women reconnect with their own spirit, I spent a lot of last week really diving deep into every corner of my own. Because when it comes to having a kick-ass relationship with yourself, the ‘work’ is never done. If anything, I’m finding that now that my spirit and I have been besties for a while, she’s really pulling out all the stops and revealing some undiscovered truths I didn’t even know existed. Specifically around my own inner worthiness.
Worthiness plays out differently for everyone. But for me, its not about whether or not I feel worthy of achieving great things in my life; that’s actually something I feel deep in my bones. But the question that ignited this whole experiment was: Do I feel worthy of greatness in my career and in my impact on the world in addition to also feeling great and having fun on a personal level?
Despite our society’s glorification of busy and the way we shuffle ourselves into overwhelm at the thought of “doing it all"; I know, from both a rational and heart-centred stand point, that it’s both possible and acceptable to change the world and still have a fucking exhilarating personal life. And I can say with absolute certainty that I feel 100% worthy of each on their own. But, in this very moment, do I feel worthy of my right to both? Can I allow myself to feel worthy of being both a powerful, fierce disruptor in a fear-based world, as well as a woman who takes 3 day weekends filled with laughs, laziness and whatever the fuck I want… without feeling like I have to choose between the two? That was the question I challenged myself to transcend, and I knew my spirit was the only one that could help me do it.
So I dived in wholeheartedly. I said yes to everything that embodied this new way of living I longed to feel worthy of, all with a deep curiosity of how my ego would take it; i.e. how worthy of it did I really feel?
It started with an early knock off from a week where I really worked my butt off and felt that I had made a significant impact in the lives of both my readers and my clients. I then hit the beach at 3pm on a Friday spending hours simply reading and swimming, followed by a weekend of numerous social events with great friends (too many social events are sometimes a challenge for this introvert - but my spirit was really craving some deep connection), no social media for 48 hours, and no tasks whatsoever that I couldn’t identify as “pleasure”. Basically - I treated myself to a weekend of being devoutly loyal to my spirit in every way it was calling for, after a week of satisfying it’s other work-related pleasures. And boy, was it both excruciating and intriguing to simply observe how much I struggled to get my head around what I was doing, without falling into guilt.
Here’s what happened (in amongst all the relaxing and socialising):
I ate mountains of crap in an attempt to numb the discomfort.
Yep; working through worthiness and diving head first into what your spirit is asking for means huge levels of discomfort! And despite even writing a post on my how I embrace discomfort just last week, this goes to show I am only human! These days, as soon as my emotional eating gets triggered, I know I’m onto something! I know my upper limits are being pushed and prodded and I’m on the verge of some killer breakthroughs. I have no shame in admitting that I still struggle with emotional eating during these personal growth challenges - I know that my spirit has given me the self-compassion I need to get through it each and every time.
I tried to sabotage my happiness with fear-based actions.
Like putting myself in situations that would leave me short of time to get to where I needed to me; in order to stir up my emotions and keep me frazzled so I wouldn’t enjoy the moment. This kind of stuff I really did have to just laugh at; “Good one Tara, nice try!"
I fell for my ego’s new tricks and didn't reach for my journal as soon as I would normally have, to vent my frustrations and fears.
The ego comes in many disguises, and I’m quickly becoming familiar with it’s new trick of convincing me I should be out doing something active (because it also has the ability to use my exercise intentions as ammunition against me) instead of writing, when my spirit knows that writing is the very thing that gives me the energy, clarity and enthusiasm to go out and do stuff from a place of joy.
But amidst all of that, guess what?! I made it through.
I got to Monday morning knowing that I had successfully let myself have both the successful week and blissful weekend my spirit had been encouraging me to entertain, and the only thing that truly enabled me to do so feeling as close to worthy as possible, was the spirited superpower we so often forget about... forgiveness.
In order to really feel what it felt like to be worthy of what I wanted, I had to move through the mess that arose ensuring I continued to stick by my spirit, stronger than ever. Which meant;
I had to forgive myself for eating mountains of crap in an attempt to numb the discomfort.I had to forgive myself for trying to sabotage my happiness with fear-based actions.I had to forgive myself for not reaching for my journal sooner, to vent my frustrations and fears.
Forgiveness, time and time again, meant that despite the unworthy thoughts of my ego, I stayed true to my spirit. I remained loyal to her, despite whatever shit my ego pulled. I chose her at the end of the day, no matter how fear-based my actions became.
Because having a kick ass relationship with your spirit isn’t about arriving at a place where you no longer feel fear or struggle, or do not need to anchor into the power of your heart anymore. It’s about working side by side with her, through thick and thin, in order to help amplify your personal growth.
I can now say with a humble heart that I have successfully begun the process of expanding my sense of worthiness to include much more than once thought. And without that inner bestie at my side, dishing out super powers like forgiveness, all of those fear-based reactions could easily have turned this experiment into one huge pity party and a whole lot of self-loathing.
The way your relationship to your spirit manifests and helps you in those testing times will look different every time. Where it’s not forgiveness, it may be in the form of intense gratitude, generosity or courage (all equally amazing spirited super-powers!). But knowing that she’s there with you, accessible at any time because you’ve met her, played with her and pledged your loyalty to her, is one of the most comforting things you can have at your side when you embark on a journey so rich in discomfort. You know deep down that no matter how rough the journey becomes, your spirit is ready to hand you all her superpowers to get you through it unscathed. And to me, that is priceless!
Over to you; what are you struggling with right now? What areas of personal growth are you being called to explore and experiment with?